I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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