If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
