dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
