I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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