I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize