Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
