Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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