don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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