We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
