I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
