I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
