someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
