I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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