im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
