even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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