Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
