On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
