hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Need sex. Gaining weight.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
