Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
