i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
