i wish peter jackson would direct porn
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
