I'm drive I can fine osifer
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
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