I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
In other news, I just burned my penis
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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