anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
