Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
