I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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