Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
