if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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