Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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