I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
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At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
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what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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