the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
