We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
