There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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