420 ftw
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I supernannyed him into submission
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
