i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
