I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i came on her dog
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
