This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
