my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
