Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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