Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
