My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
