His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
