Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
