I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
