Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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