i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
