I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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