All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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