Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
