Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
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I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I smell like Dick and happiness
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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