did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
