just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
