When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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