i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Life is so much better after having sex.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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