Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
