First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I am naked and annoyed.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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