My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
